Subtitled: Get Over Yourself. I’m really trying to figure this out. I think it may be the latest lesson sent from the Land of Both. Here’s my process: I get up most mornings and walk a few miles, usually by myself. Most of the time my brain is flooded with thoughts…feelings…questions. Which I try to figure out as the day goes on. Lately my thought life has felt very directed, to the point where I’ve come to believe I’m being led on some sort of spiritual quest, and I shared some of that last week. Even as I posted it, I acknowledged that a part of my brain was fighting me on it, telling me it was presumptuous and vain. Not so much the posting, but the thinking that anyone would have interest in it, or be willing to join me in sharing the journey. That got a bit worse a few days later, as my brain attempted to punish me for my ego… yes, all who mentioned my overthinking nailed it; I cannot deny it. There are occasional moments when I wonder if I’m having some sort of breakdown and rather than writing about it, I should be calling a doctor. For realz.
BUT. In the Land of Both, I’m learning that something can be both horrifying and wonderful. This has much to do with wiring, I think. The way I’m wired, there is much percolating below the surface, until these thoughts slowly begin to rise like overripe bubbles. Sometimes fully formed, sometimes more nebulous, presenting as more of an urge than a specific feeling. If left unattended they may spill out as pink hair or crazy bangs, an easy solution and a real release. See, that’s also a glitch in my wiring: I feel a real release when I get this stuff on the outside of me. Regardless of the results, my payoff comes in the release. I feel better for having expressed myself, even if it ends up embarrassing me. This may be an artistic wiring, or it may be true of everyone, I dunno. It’s taken a while to learn this, but I no longer fight against my own wiring.
However, after the release, when I’ve gone on with my life and am now moved on to calmer thoughts, different adventures…. If I have occasion to go back and consider some of my more public releases… blogs…conversations…I am honestly sometimes horrified. Stunned by… the ego of it all. The oversharing. The fascination with myself and the assumption that others are equally fascinated. LOL. See, even writing this is making me laugh, it’s so….ridiculous. It is funny. I am funny. We are funny. This whole life thing….. it’s vanity and laughter and struggle and seeking. It’s lessons from the Land of Both.
I’m never gonna have it all together. I’m going to struggle with what to do with all these questions, thoughts…especially when I’m in quest mode. I want to adventure, I want to grow, I want to do better. In my heart of hearts, I want to do this in community. I’m a lover of people and their stories, I’ve always been fascinated by the human experience. And yes, keepin’ it real, I think I’m also someone who doesn’t completely grasp publicly accepted boundaries, social media-wise. In a nutshell, I overshare.
I went out with three girlfriends the other night, got dinner, did some art walk. I have some hard stuff going on in my life, and much of it involves another person. My husband. Who is also going through his own seriously hard stuff, way harder than mine. Being an oversharer, I ended up blurting out my stuff at dinner. My feelings in a difficult situation, and I didn’t hold back. My motive? To get it OUT. Out of my head. To figure out some of what I’m feeling through talking it over with trusted friends. Honestly, I do feel a beneficial release from this; it is helpful just saying some of it aloud. BUT. Was it right to do? To expose my husband’s private struggle for the sake of my own relief? I don’t know… I do know I regretted it the next day, and sent an apology to all three. I did regret telling his stuff, to a degree, and I felt badly about the position I took that night. It was a bit selfish, lacked compassion…. the very quality I publicly sought just earlier this week!! I was, yet again, horrified.
BUT. I also felt blessed by the revelation of my own dark heart. Yes, I publicly shared just one week ago that I was on a quest for more kindness and compassion in my life. Ha! Within a few short days, I revealed myself to be the very antithesis of this; rather, I discovered great selfishness and ego ruling in my heart, at the expense of the one I love most. A dark day indeed.
HOWEVER. This self-knowledge came as a result of my openness. My oversharing. I didn’t see it at all until I exposed myself, and my man, to the light of day. And I needed to discover this for my quest to continue. I guess all I’m saying is that this is how I learn. And I’m very much trying to learn here. I also believe so strongly in the power of community, and want to be a part of that giving/sharing/sustaining process with others. So I’m spilling my stuff all over because I guess I believe that ultimately the benefits outweigh the embarrassing side effects. A friend once offered me a brilliant solution: a small sign that read “I’m weird.” I could just raise it as a coverall, a kind of public explanation/disclaimer. We could then move on to other topics…. Doesn’t that sound freeing?
It’s all pretty circular, isn’t it? The signature sign of overthinking. Actually, now that I think of it I overshare, I overthink, I overeat… I’m very much an OVER person, a person of excess. I over express. But again, it goes back to wiring. You can’t fight city hall. Get yourself a Weird sign and do the best you can.
PS: Wrote this, left it open on computer to marinate, and meanwhile got a call from my son, the one most like me, poor kid. What did we discuss? Overthinking, its charms, and forgiving yourself. Ha! I’ve reproduced. And the beat goes on…..